I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
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