I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize