The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
