I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
And the cops told us we were all naked.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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