I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
