Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
