I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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