Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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