Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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