Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
