There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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