Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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