how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
