Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
