Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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