Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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