They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
