OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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