Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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