I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
