Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
