Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
