Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
