I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
