I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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