We need to start having sex underwater more often.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
