My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
