if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize