Screwed.edu
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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