these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Less talking, more tequila
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
