he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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