id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
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