can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Randomize
