Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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