Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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