I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
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