My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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