My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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