my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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