My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
