Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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