This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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