all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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