I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
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