Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize