haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
