I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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