I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
