I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
