It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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