Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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