I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
