your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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