Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
