He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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