I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
