We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
