I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
what day is it and did you see me today?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
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