Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
