I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
